Dear Mum 1 Writing

Dear mum,advisable to read in a deep "Arthur Mullard" type voice.



Hello mum.
Sorry I haven't wrote before but the governor and me been working on me education.
I know that you can't read mum,but the helpers can read this letter to you.

After siesta,knowing you lazybones.

I know that it must of upset you mum when I left.
Please forgive me,I didn't have a choice see. It happened so quickly.

Oh dear, I'd better start at the beginning.

It was a Saturday afternoon round about four O clock.
As usual you were having your nap.
I was out in the yard trying to keep my head down.
Stay out of trouble,like you told me to.

Cor that weren't so easy,
I don't to this day know why they hated me so much.
I mean I did as you said
“Don't answer back,say yes Sir.
Three bags full Sir.”
Didn't seem to do much good though;I was always getting picked on.
Well anyway, I must of upset Pablo the worker,cause he called me...held out some bread...then threw a bucket of water over me..!
I must of upset him.

Made me cry,mum.

I took me self off,down the back of the compound.
I was only there for a bit, when that bitch,Sally the Labrador found me.
She was with her cronies,Jock the terrier and Butch that ex pug.
Well they did their usual...nipping me round back where I had me operation...you know.
She just laughed and encouraged her boys.
I ran mum,head down and scarpered.
As I scooted past the admin shack,where they admit the new boys and girls,I spied Carlos the boss. He was standing talking to some bloke...well cos I was in a hurry like,being chased and all...I didn't pay attention.
Crash...I collided with Carlos.

He was always nice to me,mum.
He just give me that Julio Iglesias smile of his,and gave me a cuddle.
That stopped Sally and her gang.
They started whistling,pretending nothing had happened.

Well anyway,Carlos was talking to a Forigin bloke,spoke Spanish,but a bit hard to comprendo.
He said...
“I want a yard dog really,some one to protect Hera.”
Carlos he looked at Diablo.
You know mum that mad bulldog that was chained up in the muzzle(Scary,that one).
The bloke said “no,what about this big chap.”
I looked around,listening... crafty like.
And Carlos chucked me under the chin.
He meant me mum,big chap,me...all twenty kilos!
Well,Carlos sang my praises mum...I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

“No,he's as good as gold,Senor.”
No mention was made of my little problem,you know,when I get nervous and piddle.
So the bloke says,right oh...he's lovely...and know what mum,he smiled at me...green eyes...I had a little accident;but no one seemed to notice.

Well anyway,off we go to admin.
They all had to sign some papers or somfing.
The foreign bloke(guvnor),held my shoulders and stroked me...quite unusual really,only you and Carlos were nice to me.
They put a collar on me,not a new one,but still a collar...next day Governor and his missus(Monika) took us to the pet shop and got me a brand new one...
They even let me choose,a red one mum!

Anyway I'm getting off the point again,you always said I was a dreamer didn't you.
Point is mum,I'm married!
Yep,Hera.
We're up in Extremadura in a camping van...camping.
We're going on a trip,off to a place called Portugal.
Hera says it's like Spain,she hasn't been,she's only a year older than me...says I'm her toy boy.
She comes out with some stories,she does.
Governor says she's a pedigree,that's why she's so clever.
Hera says she's a princess.
I got to stop writing now mum,we have to go for our walk...got to say mum this is smashing,we all live together in the van,muck around.
No one hurts me anymore mum!

I'll write as soon as we get there mum.
Take care love you mum.

Your everlasting boy Nero xxx.

PS I weigh 46 kilos now,you should see the grub I put away.




The said piece "Dear Mum" Was written by Kevin Gallivan and has been registered as such.